So I recently expressed that I wanted to delve a little further into the blogging written-post side of things and I thought what better place to start than with something I know all about – my experience with this journey.
Most of the things I have written for this page are slightly dated and whilst a lot of them remain true, I am a little further on and a little more experienced.
Weight loss is a funny thing – but what I do want to remind you is that weight loss is not your life. Weight loss is not your be all and end all. There is more to life. Sure I have spent the last 20 months submerged in this battle but I know it won’t be my main focus forever.
I have loved almost every single moment of this journey – there has been so much good to come from it. I am greeted daily with the amazing support network my page has generated and am thrilled that I can count the amount of negative comments I have received on one hand. I have created new opportunities for myself, and paths that I never would’ve thought existed before this. I have learned more about myself in the past 20 months than I ever expected; I have been underestimating myself for too long. I have an entirely new appreciation for my body… I see past the stretch marks, the loose skin and the problem areas. I see potential. Heck, I even smile with my teeth in photos now.
There used to be a time where I would untag every single photo of myself that showed more than a headshot unless I was hidden behind someone else – I now stand proud. I am not ashamed of my body. The only time I struggle is with my skin in front of other people. I still make my boyfriend turn around when I get changed, and for the first few months refused to let him touch my stomach in fear he would be disgusted (he of course, does not give a shit and likes me regardless). I know it upsets him; especially when he once asked me when I’d ever let him touch me. This is the bad side of weight loss. I am so confident in so many respects but so self concious in others. I worry when I see people from my past – I always ensure that I am looking my best so that I don’t feel like a sham when they congratulate me on how I’m looking. And of course I still have those days where I see hardly any progress and think I’m getting no where.
The ugly side of this battle, is most definitely the inner struggle I still have with food. But this is a work in progress – and will be for quite some time. The way I eat is healthy, and my attitude towards food is healthy. But old habits die hard. As much as people can talk about balanced eating of everything and think my grain free lifestyle is extreme, I truly find this way of eating sustainable and know it makes my body feel best. My struggle with food isn’t always what I’m eating, but how I’m eating. I constantly struggle with stopping myself from binging on everything; it’s not that I’m hungry, because I am kept lovely and full, but I have always had an ability to eat long past I’m full. I know that I am full, and I know that I am satisfied, but I will continue to just eat if I’m not careful. It is common knowledge to all that I love food and with that, the act of eating. The continuous grazing and overeating is something I have worked very hard on and have sustained for a long time but I do have to think about it frequently to keep myself in check. I do still have my days where it gets the better of me and I just eat way too much but I know that I am working on it and I have learnt to identify my triggers – for example I know I cannot have certain foods laying around the house that I find exceptionally amazing (70% dark chocolate) because I will eat it all in one sitting.
I look forward to the day where I am totally confident with my body and my eating and I know the day will come. Sure it may be once I have had surgery to remove loose skin, but I do not pin my hopes on this. Because I know all too well that body bliss does not come with goal weights. It comes with a happy lifestyle. Weight loss is not my life.